How To Talk to Toddlers Mid-Tantrum

Tantrums are all kinds of T's: Tricky, Terrible, Testing, Trying, and, in any given day, Too Many!  (and Too Loud!)

I know, I'm preaching to the toddler tribe choir here.

You know that my goal is to teach you about another set of alliterative T's: how to Turn Tantrums into Teachable Moments. 

They tantrum about wanting something NOW and we teach them how to learn the very (very) important life-skill of waiting.

They fall apart become Grammy and Granny were coming, but now they can't and we teach them how to  regulate emotions like disappointment, expectation, and sadness.

But not during the tantrum. Never during the moment of meltdown, because they can't learn anything in a dysregulated state. (and neither can you - by the way)

So, if the learning happens before, or after, or both: what SHOULD we say to our toddlers while they are shedding tears and moving big feelings through their bodies?

Here are my top two guidelines.

1. Keep your voice as calm and low as possible, using your voice to model their energy opposite, creating a soothing, grounded space. 

2. Choose reflective phrases that put words to what's happening and help kids process their experience

vs.

Impulsive phrases that tell them what to do or make them feel bad for not being able to meet your expectation. 

Here's an example using the picture above of a toddler who is, well - less than impressed with her lunch.

"It looks like you aren't enjoying your lunch" (reflective)

vs.

"Stop crying and just eat!" (impulsive)

- - - 

"Something about chicken salad isn't tasting good to you today." (reflective)

vs.

"If you spent as much time eating as you did crying you'd be done by now." (impulsive)

Crafting language intentionally mid-meltdown is hard, especially when you are triggered too!

Listen to the full episode How to Talk to Toddlers During a Tantrum to learn more! 

Cara Tyrrell, M.Ed is mom to three girls, a Vermont based Early Childhood Educator, Collaborative Parenting Coach, and the founder of Core4Parenting. She is the passionate mastermind behind the Collaborative Parenting Methodology™, a birth-to-five, soul and science based framework that empowers toddler parents and educators  to turn tantrums into teachable moments. Through keynotes, teacher training, and her top-ranking podcast, Transforming the Toddler Years, she’s teaching the 5 Executive Functioning Skills kids need to navigate our ever-changing world.